Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Meanwhile in Canada…
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!