Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
it was a valiant fight
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Sniffing the broccoli
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead