Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
You Might Also Like
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”