Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
(Jupiter –
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?