Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

This hospital has everything

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Unimpressed

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

More like Kate Missington.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Travel bloggers during quarantine

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

ㅤ

those birds must be on payroll

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Help