establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
best review i’ve ever seen
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg