Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”