Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.