Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
You Might Also Like
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
he looks great for his age
