Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.