Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

I am a gravy boat captain

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys