estão todos miauvindo?
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Boom, boom, ching!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”