estão todos miauvindo?
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Something Saturday.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.