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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb