[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Mornin
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
(Musicians.)
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.