Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Bear knowledge

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!