[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries