[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.