[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.