[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Stick it to the man
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.