[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Happy birthday to all the women
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.