Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it