Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm