Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

titanic

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”