Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day