Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

selena gomez

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”