Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
groan^2
🎵 I can’t wait to
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.