Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
At least he brought enough for everyone
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there