Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

well this is just bullshirt

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)