Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

is this store having a stroke wtf

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?