Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
You Might Also Like
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
A Monday every week is excessive
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
car not found
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.