Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Breaking news:
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Looking at you, Jesus.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”