Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Maths meets science
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.