Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight