Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
You Might Also Like
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
This is hilarious
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…