Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking