Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Customize Your Wedding.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

canadian assassins are called killergrams

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.