Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

absolute chaos

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options