Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

“just sayin” who asked you though?

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

I need to get some bricks…

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you