[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
You Might Also Like
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.