Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.