Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

There is no “we” in pizza

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.