Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peace was never an option

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

WHY?!

Do not levitate over flowers

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]