Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you