Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?