[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Bruh PLEASE