It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?