Europe. Made in Germany.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
😭😭
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!