Europe. Made in Germany.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this