European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Whoa 😂
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.