European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You Might Also Like
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.