European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
What personal space?
My dog
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
sleeping beauty
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.