European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.