Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Breaking news:
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot