Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?