Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
