Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

see next tweet for some translations

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.