Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
