Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My work here is done
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
