europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
your honor my client chooses dare
What?!?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*