Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Florida man

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

A woman drives into a bar.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

I try

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.