Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
This is my emotional support knife.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
No. He’s not coming out to play
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*offers Batman cough drops*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!