Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

I told my vodka about you.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.