Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

shakira sharkira

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.