Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Basketball games are very squeaky.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.