Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.