Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.