Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.