Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.