Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.