Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I love the honesty
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.