Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.