Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
I have many caverns
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.