Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
adding to the discourse
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans