Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

He instantly became one of the bros

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail