Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.