eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Said the murderer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.