Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?