Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t