Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.