Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend sent me this.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Somebody call the cops.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.