Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
some things should go without saying
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want