Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.