Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

THE AUDACITY. 😤

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies