Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.