Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about