Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
You Might Also Like
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking