Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

my mom making me talk to relatives

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)