even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
the three branches of government
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Oh boy, $150,000!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.